My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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