just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
