I hate all girls vehemently.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
