It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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