The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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