Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
40s are totally the cure
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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