I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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