Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
