Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
