Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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