i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
