I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
