I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
