I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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