guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
