She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
