Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
