another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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