Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
