Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
