did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
