Betty ford says i'm here all night
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
