Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
