You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
