i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
