Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
