Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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