you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
