I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
