You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
