Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
