I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
