just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
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I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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