Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
