Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
