Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
