I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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