I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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