He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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