So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
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I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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