the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
my poor anus
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
