i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
