Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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