You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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