Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
