I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
