dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
