Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
