Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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