so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
