Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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