remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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