He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
