By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
