remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process