I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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