Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
