I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
