it's too hot outside to masturbate.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
