I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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