I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
