the condom got lost in my hair
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
